


Delicate

by Magdaleria



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, Suicide Attempt, You can pry trans!ritsu from my cold dead hands, tohru is the best girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 05:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20187121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magdaleria/pseuds/Magdaleria
Summary: The first thing Tohru thinks is wow—its uncommon to see someone in a full kimono outside of festivals, especially this late! And what a pretty kimono it is, a soft pink that seems to shimmer underneath the flickering streetlights. The woman wearing it is beautiful as well, strawberry blonde hair clipped back, exposing her soft features as she leans over the bridge.There is a brief moment of—glitching, almost, as Tohru’s eyes catch up to what she is seeing. The woman isn’t leaning over the bridge so much as she is standing on the wrong side of it.She's crying.---Only a few months after her mother's death, a still-mourning Tohru meets a struggling stranger on the way home from work one night.





	Delicate

_“To ease a grieving heart is the world's greatest pleasure, more so, when the heart is yours.”_

-Radhika Mundra

* * *

Tohru knows that there was a time when the world burned with color. Maybe it breathed with it, every day like the air itself was inhaling and exhaling shades of blue and green, the sunlight glinting off her mother’s hair and the way the concrete shined when it rained. Tohru knows that once the world was beautiful, knows that somewhere out there it still must be, but—

She’s lost it. Lost the ability to see it.

It’s not something she’d proud of. In the darker moments when she finds herself curled up on a futon in an unfamiliar room, listening to a house that isn’t quite home settle in ways that seem far more foreign than comforting, Tohru can still hear her mother’s words. She feels the soft squeezes and the subtle warmth of unending optimism and she knows that she can’t give up.

She wouldn’t, would never do that after everything her mother had ever done for her, not to mention Grandpa and Uo-chan and Hana-chan – she sees them fight, sees them mourn and then hold their hands out, asking her to smile.

She smiles for them, she will always smile for them, but some days it feels plastic. It aches, to give them such fake expressions, but she tries to console herself. It’s only for a little while. Just like Kaa-san would always say, you needed to rest when you were sick, and—Tohru was sick. She was heart sick.

Everyday without Kaa-san feels like another tick up on the thermometer, as if her temperature is ever so slowly creeping up and up until eventually she’ll become so overcome with the heat and the chaos and the sadness that she won’t be able to feel anything else.

Tohru is so, so lucky to have such wonderful people in her life. Every day her heart squeezes in her chest, overflowing with love even as it aches, off-kilter and missing something so vital. She is blessed with every soft pat on her back from Sensei, every gentle word from her grandpa, every tight squeeze and kind word from her two best friends. They give her time to recover, to lick her wounds and learn how to see the light in the world around her even on the days when the night is so dark she’s scared the sun may have burnt out.

Like Kaa-san stopped breathing and took the very day with her.

It takes time. It feels both as though seconds and years have passed during the months she spends sharing Uo-chan’s bed, waiting for her family to decide who is willing to take the burden of having her on for a few years more. Tohru has never wanted to be a hassle, to be a bother, so when Grandpa says he will take her in she sobs her relief. She picks up as many shifts at work as she can, insists on paying her way through, and is so thankful that she is certain she must be bursting with it.

It’s strange, now, working so late into the night. Kaa-san—Kaa-san always worried about her baby walking along city streets after dusk, too aware of how rough the world could get, how harshly it could stamp on innocence. But Tohru’s determination is unrivaled and she needs this job, needs the money for tuition and food and to save up for an apartment, so even if she’s a little scared she makes it her mission to walks the streets with confidence.

It becomes something of a routine, after a while. She had always flourished under them, under the careful domesticity of life when she would come home from school and start dinner, would know exactly what time Kaa-san would walk through the door and call out to her. She doesn’t have that anymore, never will again, but she finds the bright side and clings to it with a single minded desperation.

After the first few days she recognizes people on her walk home. There is a homeless woman that sits with a small dog on her lap next to the old corner-store on Wednesdays and Fridays who always gives Tohru a soft, yellowed smile when she says hello and gives her however many yen she can spare that day. There is a boy only a few years older than her who she spies most weekdays smoking behind the local ramen joint. She learns to recognize the sound of karaoke from a certain bar on weekends, and the sound of children’s laughter from an often-open window, and a tiny part of her loves these people she meets that unknowingly bring her joy every day.

Tohru often sees someone new – a business man she’s never run into taking the bus, or a group of teenagers on their way home from a movie. These are like little surprises, like putting a coin in the gashapon and never knowing what gift she will receive in return. She tries her best to smile whenever they meet her eyes, hoping to brighten their day like they do hers, even if its just for a moment.

It’s a Wednesday when she meets her. Tohru is out far later than usual, having had to take a different route back to Grandpa’s after a traffic incident left her regular way blocked. Though the air was a bit chilly, she didn’t mind – it was like an adventure, getting to see different parts of the city! She’s walking up to the bridge when she spots her.

The first thing Tohru thinks is _wow_—its uncommon to see someone in a full kimono outside of festivals, especially this late! And what a pretty kimono it is, a soft pink that seems to shimmer underneath the flickering streetlights. The woman wearing it is beautiful as well, strawberry blonde hair clipped back, exposing her soft features as she leans over the bridge.

There is a brief moment of—glitching, almost, as Tohru’s eyes catch up to what she is seeing. The woman isn’t leaning over the bridge so much as she is standing on the wrong side of it.

She's crying.

Tohru doesn’t remember moving – it seems as if in one minute she was nearly a block away and the next she was beside her, heartbeat thudding in her chest and her shoulders feeling naked, bereft of the bag she’d dropped in her haste. She can barely think through her panic, and her voice shakes as she calls out—

“W-wait!”

The woman flinches, thankfully gripping harder to the guardrail than letting it go in her surprise, and turns to Tohru, her eyes wet and rimmed with red. For a moment the two just—stare at one another, equally caught off guard.

The woman breaks first, immediately bobbing her head forward in shallow bows, her shoulders shaking in time with them. “I- I am so very sorry for you to have to see me like this! I am so sorry you have to see me at all! I am not fit to be seen by your eyes! I am so very sorry-!!”

Each stuttered sentence is an arrow to Tohru’s heart, and she can feel her eyes welling up as they increase in volume. They sound like they fall off the woman’s tongue with ease and it _aches_, to think about how often she must have said them before.

“I-It’s okay! I’m not upset! C-Could you please step back, though?” She asks—begs, even, her voice tight with fear.

Thankfully, blessedly, the woman complies, hiccupping slightly, still tripping over her words even as she does step back slightly – still on the wrong side of the barrier, but not so close to falling as she was before. “I-I’m sorry you must see me like this, I should have done this sooner, but I- I’m so useless yet I have the nerve to stay alive, I’m so _frustrated _with myself--!”

Tohru longs to hold her in her arms, to do as her mother once did and hold the woman together as her broken pieces chafe against one another, grinding down the edges until all the pain inside begs to rush out of each crack. She fears reaching out, scared that she might push them further away, and instead cuts her off, desperate to distract her.

“I-I’m Tohru! What’s your name?” Her voice breaks halfway through, but the words seem to startle the woman enough that she pauses, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“A-Ah! It’s very nice to meet you, Tohru-san!” The response the woman gives is almost painfully ironic, given the circumstances, but it’s not as though Tohru of all people can berate someone for politeness. “M-My name is Ritsu. I’m so sorry to distract you from your walk, I’m always causing trouble for others--!”

Tohru shakes her head, waving her hands in disagreement. “N-no, not at all! I’m very happy to meet you, Ritsu-san! It’s always so nice to see new faces!” Her eyes sting with the tears she struggles to keep back – the last thing she wants is for the woman, Ritsu, to think that she’s offended her.

Ritsu wilts at her words though, shoulders hunching even further. “I’m not worth meeting.” She whispers like a secret into the night. “I’m s-such a mess, I’ve been like this since I was a child.”

“Ritsu-san—”

“I’ve always been a-a coward, and a crybaby, and s-so strange, for fe—for dressing like a woman. My parents were always apologizing for me.” The woman – man? Ritsu, rather, explained. “A person like me should give up on life.”

Tohru—Tohru couldn’t bear to hear those words, to hear the utter tragedy of them, to see the way this beautiful person shook with the pain of their own secret battles. She couldn’t have left in that moment if she’d wanted to—and all she wanted, right then, was to see Ritsu safe, to see them smile, to see the way their face looked when they were _happy—_

“I-It’s because we are alive, that we feel pain.” Tohru began, grasping desperately onto the rail in front of her, meeting Ritsu’s eyes with a kind of single-minded intensity as they turned to her. “That we hurt, and cry, and grieve. But it’s because we live that we can feel joy! And love, and hope!”

Ritsu’s hands shake as they grasp onto the railing. “B-but I’m barely living. I- I don’t have any purpose.” They denied. Tohru takes a single step forward.

“You have to look for it!” She insists. “To look around you and see the ways you can change the world by living in it.”

And for a moment she is a child again, warm and safe in her mother’s embrace and thanking whatever gods that watch over them that Kaa-san had come home, and that Tohru had the opportunity to make her smile. That Tohru could make her day better with a nice, warm meal and a call of “-welcome home!”

“I- I don’t think anyone is born with a purpose! I think we- we have to find it. You have to find something that makes your heart want to beat, whether it’s a- a job, or a hobby, or a person!” Tohru leans forward, desperation inherent in her posture. “I- I wake up every day knowing that my friends will smile when they see me! That my coworkers have less work to do when I’m there! That I can do little things t-to help!”

Ritsu attempts to choke back their tears, reaching up and covering their eyes with shaking hands as Tohru speaks. Her heart twinges at the sound, but she can’t hold back the words she needs, _needs_ them to hear.

“A-as long as your alive, you have the opportunity to find it! To find the reason! Like I-I’m so glad I woke up today, b-because I was able to meet you!” Tohru finishes. Ritsu chokes on another cry before slowly lowering her hands and raising her face to look back at her. And there, amongst the evidence of her sorrow, is a tiny, shaky smile.

“M-me too!” She whispers, another tear following. “I-I’m glad I could meet you too, Tohru-san.”

It feels as though the two of them have just stepped into the eye of a hurricane as the panic and desperation quiets. Tohru offers her hand and feels as though she’s fit to collapse from exhaustion when Ritsu hesitantly takes it, climbing somewhat awkwardly over the bridge’s guardrail before falling to the ground on their knees.

Tohru follows them down, a breathless laugh that sounds more like a sob escaping from her lips as she sits in front of them, leaning her forehead against the other’s in a moment of relief that is almost painful its so intense.

“Thank you, thank you so much.” She whispers, scrubbing at her eyes. Tohru can’t begin to list the many things she’s thanking them for – thanking them for trusting her, for listening, for taking her hand, for fighting, for waking up every day with this much sorrow in their soul. She’s thanking them for fighting.

Ritsu makes a disagreeing noise, leaning back and looking remarkably flustered, the slight red of their cheeks a contrast to how pale the rest of their face had become. “N-no, thank you! You didn’t have to take time out of your day to speak with me, I’m so—”

“Ritsu-san,” Tohru interrupts, a soft, sad smile quirking her lips. “Thank you for sitting with me. You’ve made me so happy.” It’s these simple words that seem to be the final straw – Ritsu’s jaw quivers and their eyes well with tears once more before they completely break down, hunched over and sobbing into their arms, shoulders heaving with the force of their cries.

Tohru cries with them, lightly running her fingers through their hair and whispering gentle words of encouragement.

She loses track of time, in this bubble they find themselves in – the late hour is for the best as she doubts Ritsu would be comfortable with witnesses to their grief. Tohru can’t tell if its been minutes or hours since the two of them sat, but she manages to coax a few facts about her new friend’s life as the moments pass.

She learns that Ritsu is 20-years old, from a strict and traditional family. She learns that ‘she’ is technically a ‘he’, who cross-dresses to feel comfortable – but also learns, from the muted flinch and the heavy aura of shame when she changes her address for them, that Ritsu maybe prefers being called ‘she,’ or at the very least ‘they.’ She learns of Ritsu’s anxiety and desperation to fit in, their isolation. She learns about their tragedies and aches for them, but with every new thing she learns she is filled with so much pride for the person she has across from her that she can hardly bear it.

She yearns to tell her new friends her thoughts – that Ritsu-san is so beautiful and strong and talented, and Tohru thinks that any time she hesitates from now on, with every poignant moment she misses her mother and the life she once had, she will be able to stand tall just remembering the braveness she witnessed tonight. But she see’s how Ritsu balks at the praise, at how flustered and nervous they get, how desperately they deny it, and decides to hold off.

Hopefully if she thinks it hard enough, Ritsu will be able to feel her intentions.

It is on shaking legs that the two eventually stand – and Tohru only narrowly avoids flinging herself at the other at the sheer amount of awed surprise in their expression when Tohru asks if she they could exchange numbers, and that Ritsu was welcome to call or text whenever they needed someone to speak with.

Tohru is unable to completely let go of the anxiety, bone deep as it is, when she waves goodbye to her newest friend as they separate at a deserted cross section. Has she done enough? Did she say everything right? Was there more she could have done? Will Ritsu-san make it home alright? Will they call her?

When she makes it home, it is to a quiet house – Grandpa doesn’t wait up for her like Kaa-san was wont to, though she of course doesn’t blame him. Though he is healthy, his age makes it difficult for him to stay up late, and she would never want to inconvenience him so.

Still, as she washes herself, brushes her teeth and gets ready to tuck herself into her futon, she yearns. She desires, desperately, for the press of her mother’s lips to her forehead, to hear her mother’s soft voice telling her a bedtime story, to a warm body next to her in bed. She yearns for the feeling of safety, of familiarity, of their tiny apartment and its many flaws.

Tohru pauses before turning the lights off, reaching over and grabbing her mother’s photo. She traces the line of her mother’s smile with a single, trembling finger.

“Kaa-san, I made a new friend today.” She whispers it like a confession into the otherwise silence bedroom. “I think you would have liked them. They’re very kind and very strong. I- I hope I can be as strong as them, one day.” It’s an admittance of her own weakness, of her own short-comings.

She falls into bed with her arms wrapped around the picture frame, content even as its edges dig into her skin. Her mind is full of visions of strawberry blonde hair and flickering street lamps.

Healing takes time. She knows this, intimately – like a broken bone or a burned fingers, wounds must be given time to set, to heal and breathe in equal measures; broken hearts and spirits are no different. Invisible scars ache just as much when the weather changes, on rainy days when staying home meant being alone, truly alone, for the first time rather than an afternoon spent underneath the kotatsu. It’s messy and its painful in a million different ways.

But the next morning Tohru wakes up to a bedroom enveloped in a brilliant, brilliant red, the sun peeking out to say hello from behind the city-scape and Tohru—

Sometimes she blinks and the colors seem to fade, but in her darkest moment she recalls, vividly, a soft pink kimono and the knowledge that someone, out there, is fighting along-side her.

She hopes. She breathes in, and she gets out of bed.

**Author's Note:**

> So I just watched episode 19 where Ritsu is introduced and I Am In Pain. I don't remember being at all upset at this scene in the manga or 2001 anime but that may have been because I was a Child and I am now old enough to feel very, very sad about it. Seeing how legitimately scared Tohru was for Ritsu and how no one else took it seriously made me want to write a fic where It Was Taken Seriously and these two Good Girls can heal one another! This is intended as a one shot but I might make a sequel (?) Who knows. 
> 
> Also, in regards to Ritsu's gender: As this is from Tohru's POV, they are referred to as she/her until Ritsu mentions cross-dressing and then Tohru switches to they/them. However, this is definitely a trans!Ritsu fic, just a not-out-of-the-closet one. 
> 
> Song of the Fic: "Delicate" by Kina Grannis


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